When I met HER again.
I was sad and I was alone. I know
I was dying and suffering. At the same time I was intending to expedite the
process of dying to end up my miseries. I was horrified with the kind of
situation I was in. I was actually thinking of suicide. I believed I was a
fighter but I came to realize that there is threshold for everything. Everything
has a melting point. I was devastated.
I was afraid with the idea of
having no tomorrow. I was thinking that if I take that bold step, then probably
this will be my last day. If there would be only one day left to exist. What
would I do if there would be!! Well, it is quite evident that whole concept of
tomorrow is a myth. There was never a tomorrow. It always stayed in philosophy.
May be for procrastinator, it is a favorite place to dwell into but it never
existed. Tomorrow is like Heisenberg cat experiment, so the moment you see it,
it has become today. So even scientifically it is a paradox.
All these thinking could not give
me power to fuel myself. I was falling and I was experiencing the detachment of
every single cell from my body. In sheer hopelessness, I have decided to end up
my affliction. I have decided to commit suicide.
It was night time. I went up to
the only skyscraper Patna had. I was literally on its terrace and was acquiring
all sort of guts to execute it. And... There I saw HER. I had due permission to
call her god, though she was reluctant. She came close to me and smiled. I look
at her. Big, beautiful eyes and innocent smile she was carrying. Her hair was
shining black and looking silky and her ear rings dangle. In her orange kurti,
she waits.
She continued "I am
intrigued by the idea of death. What do you think?”
I was completely lost in her
beauty and also was in utter surprise to confront her again.
She retorted “Are you going to
say something?"
She had something in cup. It was
black and I assume it to be coffee. She offered me and I took it without any reluctance.
After one sip I responded “I
think it's the end of all miseries and sufferings"
She exclaimed "Is it? I
don't think so"
I asked “So, you believe in
after-life or something"
She replied "No. I think
death is an oblivion, and your miseries never end. That's one way to put it.
Let me put it in this way: You are suffering, right?”
I replied "Yes"
She continued “See, It’s not your
body that feels anything. It's your soul, your body is just a cover, a mask
that has soul trapped.
She had my enthusiasm but now she
had my attention as well.
She continued "Now, as we
all know, a soul cannot be destroyed, because it’s an energy. It can only be
transformed. We never really die. Our bodies decay and disappear, but the soul
is still out there. So, what if, all the souls go into oblivion after we die?
That way, your suffering never ends. It just lives on."
I replied “The suffering ends
here,” to which she replies. “In this world, it ends.”
I was perplexed. I said "we
live and then we die, and move on".
She replied "Exactly. After
dying, it’s just the soul and if it’s in oblivion, it’ll only take what it had
here in this world. And if it’s suffering, you will suffer even after death,
forever.”
Finally I opened up and told her
that I was actually contemplating suicide to end up my miseries and you’re
telling me it’ll continue to live even after death.”
She simply said “In a way, I’m
advising you not to die just yet.”
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